Say what you want about the inter-webs of today and it’s lack of privacy and all that jazz. I’ve always found writing to be therapeutic for me. Whether it was in a journal when I was a child, or on myspace’s blog in my adolescence, it was always something that helped me sort through what was going on in my mind at the time. I’d revert back to a journal, but I find that I can type faster to keep up with my rapid thoughts than my hand can manage to write. So, here I am. Back at it. Giving it a chance again to try and make sense of things that happen to me.
Here goes nothing.
I’m not a very feel-y person. I’ve always been one to stick with the comfortable rather than branch out to the new. This has become more and more obvious to me in the past 2 weeks more than ever. And yes, it has to do with relationships. (NOTE: I never said this blog wouldn’t be stereotypical, so stop reading now if the predictable bothers you…) I haven’t really “dated” anyone in a long time. There have been a couple romances, but not traditional types, or anything like the situation I have going on right now. There’s a new interest in my life, and I found myself saying to one of my friend’s earlier this week that I had remembered why I don’t date much anymore, besides a lack of effort on my part to simply seek someone out. It’s the vulnerability involved in the situation. I hate that I feel exposed. Hate it. It’s unnerving to me. The last time I so strongly felt this way, I never spoke up about my feelings, and by the time I realized I needed to, it was long over and I was heartbroken beyond belief. I was young and naive. I didn’t know better. I thought I was going with the flow and playing it cool. Cliches, I know, but like I said, I was young.
So this new adventure, it’s strange territory for me. I’ve actually known him for a few years. We went to school together and were friends. I always felt an attraction to him, but he was in a relationship, so I didn’t pursue anything. Now that things seem to be headed in a positive way for us, I can’t help but feel excited about it. Yet, given my romantic history, which I might expand upon some other time, or here and there when my thoughts pertain to the past, I can’t help but feel completely uneasy about it. But maybe that’s what new love is supposed to feel like. It’s been so long since I’ve been in a position like this that I’ve simply forgotten what it’s like. While we’re together, it’s a great feeling, but the time apart… yikes. It drives me nuts! Not that I want to spend every waking minute with him – quite the contrary. I like my space and independence. It’s just every single insecurity and doubt I have about myself comes out in my head and I feel so inferior. Not to him, but as a human being. I know I’m flawed. I know he’s flawed. No one is perfect, but there seems to be nothing I can do about it now. Maybe as time goes on – if the relationship continues – my feelings will change. Only time will tell.